You guys. I can’t do this.

I thought I was finally on this path of recovery that included never purging again.

4.5 months down the shower drain.

I thought I would be able to say I made it through the entire year of 2021 without sticking my fingers down my throat.

But the truth is that I can’t do it.

I don’t have any right to go to school to become a therapist when I can’t even get through 5 months without behaviors. I was so excited on Friday. So full of passion and purpose. So ready to keep going.

But I can’t keep going. I can’t be this big of a hypocrite no matter how passionate I am or how purposeful I believe it is.

The truth is I am just a disgusting, unworthy human being. I don’t deserve a purpose. Not like this. I might as well stop trying to change and grow. There is no reason to continue when I’m doing it alone anyway. No one else seems to care about growing and I’d like to stop growing anyway. All it’s getting me is a bigger waist and a bigger mountain to fall down.

What a failure.

What a waste of space.

Stop fighting, just give in. You are going nowhere and getting wider and there is no purpose to your life.

7 thoughts on “Day Zero

  1. Well…I don’t know about that. I am a therapist. A substance use counsellor more specifically, and while I have overcome that particular issue in my life, I am chalk full of other issues and “behaviours”. Turns out us therapists are just people too…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are moving forward even if it feels like you’ve gone backwards. Every minute, hour, day that you are alive you are moving away from the past and forward into unlived life. You are here and breathing and that is everything xxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am really sorry to read this, because I know how heartbreaking this feels. Please don’t give up altogether. What you’ve proven is not that you’re destined to fail, but that you CAN go 4.5 months, which is a really, really, really long time. So, now you can strive to go another 4.5 months and see if you can go even longer, taking it a day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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