You guys. I can’t do this.
I thought I was finally on this path of recovery that included never purging again.
4.5 months down the shower drain.
I thought I would be able to say I made it through the entire year of 2021 without sticking my fingers down my throat.
But the truth is that I can’t do it.
I don’t have any right to go to school to become a therapist when I can’t even get through 5 months without behaviors. I was so excited on Friday. So full of passion and purpose. So ready to keep going.
But I can’t keep going. I can’t be this big of a hypocrite no matter how passionate I am or how purposeful I believe it is.
The truth is I am just a disgusting, unworthy human being. I don’t deserve a purpose. Not like this. I might as well stop trying to change and grow. There is no reason to continue when I’m doing it alone anyway. No one else seems to care about growing and I’d like to stop growing anyway. All it’s getting me is a bigger waist and a bigger mountain to fall down.
What a failure.
What a waste of space.
Stop fighting, just give in. You are going nowhere and getting wider and there is no purpose to your life.