Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep I have ever had, and I have had many rough nights recently.
Eating disorders are messy, evil illnesses. It took me years before I stopped going to bed hungry IN RECOVERY, let alone all the times before that that I wasn’t sleeping because I was too hungry and practically invited the sleeplessness because it meant I was losing weight. It’s infuriating that lack of nutrition and my body trying to get me to eat by staying awake use to be my problem for not getting sleep and now it’s just straight up relentless anxiety.
I thought finally letting go of much of the eating disorder would feel much more freeing. It does feel freeing in a lot of ways, but it’s as if it opened up a whole other door for trauma to wreak havoc on my body. Sometimes, I want to go back and stay back because sometimes the eating disorder seems like it was a better path than trying to work through and get out of this trauma-land-quicksand. The eating disorder is predictable, at least. Panic attacks can come out of fucking nowhere sometimes. Triggers can be anything, sometimes unconsciously, and that is a hard pill to swallow. I feel like a disaster waiting to happen: not sure when I’ll hyperventilate and believe I’m about to die, but it will happen eventually…thanks brain!
I don’t ever wish this amount of sleep on anyone. It’s pure torture and makes living extremely difficult. I am so cranky and unproductive and it makes me feel like a huge waste of space. Which, depending on where I’m at emotionally, can trigger the eating disorder. IT’S A DREADFUL CYCLE I WANT OUT OF!
There HAS to be another way, besides medication, to get my system sleeping and my anxiety under control. Lorazepam works, but I am so afraid of becoming addicted and never being able to sleep without it that I feel a bit chaotic with having it in my possession and instructions to use as needed when it feels like every night is needed.
So, starting May 1, I’m going to try my very best to follow this yoga plan. I love that the theme is trust–I’ve been working on trusting myself, my intuition, my wolfpack, my inner circle, and God. Maybe the next trust exercise is to trust my breath.
I’m putting it up for accountability. I’ve thought about doing these month plans dozens of times and never followed through. But I have to make a change, because this current pattern of insanely low amounts of sleep is going nowhere good. It’s only bringing me to dark places I never wanted to be.