4 months (in a couple hours) purge free and I am not sure I will make it beyond the 4-month mark, again. I’ve made it right around 4 months multiple times since choosing recovery and it’s like my coping skills stop working after a certain amount of days. As if at month four I can no longer tolerate feeling full or feeling anything. I should have known this was coming when I couldn’t stand to wear the rings I never take off, last night. As if anything touching me was repulsive.

I sort of feel like a fucking lost cause. This is probably temporary. This is hopefully temporary: just a buildup of weekend emotions spilling over from Friday’s intense session and then choosing to eat adequate meals at every meal, honoring my hunger every single time. Except now, it’s too much. I am too full. I have been too much, needed too much, become unworthy of recovery and connection and everything.

I need my Wolfpack. But ED says no.

3 thoughts on “When an urge smacks you in the face

  1. Please don’t give in. I did that “several months OK” thing for 25 years… there has to be a last time. Just give it one more night, and you can purge tomorrow if you still want to. One more day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If it helps, I’m wrote that feeling gigantic, disgusting, absolutely huge and unlovable in my bathtub, trying to wait out the urge to purge. I don’t know if it will ever go away, but I know I can go another few hours and make it at least one more day. And then, hopefully, another after that.

    Liked by 1 person

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