4 months (in a couple hours) purge free and I am not sure I will make it beyond the 4-month mark, again. I’ve made it right around 4 months multiple times since choosing recovery and it’s like my coping skills stop working after a certain amount of days. As if at month four I can no longer tolerate feeling full or feeling anything. I should have known this was coming when I couldn’t stand to wear the rings I never take off, last night. As if anything touching me was repulsive.
I sort of feel like a fucking lost cause. This is probably temporary. This is hopefully temporary: just a buildup of weekend emotions spilling over from Friday’s intense session and then choosing to eat adequate meals at every meal, honoring my hunger every single time. Except now, it’s too much. I am too full. I have been too much, needed too much, become unworthy of recovery and connection and everything.
I need my Wolfpack. But ED says no.