I persevered.

Through the fear, rejection, and shame feelings.

Through a migraine and a fever. Through class.

I kept eating. At least, when the migraine-induced nausea subsided.

I feel pretty shameful still from Wednesday’s therapy session where the last 15 minutes went downhill fast and I thought I’d recovered but as soon as I stood up to leave tears rushed to my eyes—not the grateful kind. Those were tears of oh FUCK, what just happened? What did I just say? She must think I’m the worst. Gosh, I’m so awful.

I couldn’t look at her on my way out. My therapist moved on to her next client and I left my tears in the lobby bathroom.

Shame filled me. It still fills me.

In that moment I realized just how alone I was in my own trauma work. Fuck this, I said to the mirror. More tears came. Anger began to rise—I could feel my face getting hot—at my therapist for coaxing it out of me. I was grateful before—how did it turn to anger?

Because I was safe in that room with her, and then suddenly I wasn’t safe and didn’t feel safe and couldn’t go back in and so… well that’s some fucked up safety. Let’s talk about these hard things and then you go and try to sit with it all on your own in real life where all of this safe space doesn’t exist.

It’s difficult to put trauma work down. I carry trauma out the door with me after it gets ripped open in therapy. And even though my therapist was supportive and caring and with me, when I leave that space after all the heaviness that bleeds out in it, it’s not hers to deal with.

It’s mine.

Which is a bit upsetting. Because we were just experiencing it together, then suddenly we are not. I am alone. Very, very alone.

The loneliness in the midst of trying to process all of this and the debilitating level of shame that exists in my bones renders me immobile, often, lately.

This must be why so many people quit before they make it this far.

Trauma therapy is hard and heartbreaking work. There must be light and peace on the other side, if I can make it through. There must.

8 thoughts on “Trauma

  1. Hey! This post really hits home with me. I’m currently working with trauma in my sessions and it’s so difficult. I’ve found myself in that situation more than once already.

    I spoke with my therapist and told him this, and since he’s done an awesome job and grounding me at the end of the session and basically closing the door on that trauma until the next session, with hope that soon I’ll be able to open it alone without hurting myself.

    It may not work for you but I figured there’s no harm in suggesting, so sorry if it sounds patronising rather than genuine. This stuff is hard work but essential. I hope you find some peace with it down the line ♥️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment! I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult work.

      I think my therapist & I both do our best to get me grounded before I leave but sometimes I just cannot gather myself in time. I have this urge to let all my emotions out once I’ve dropped my walls and it’s hard to turn that faucet off once it’s turned on. I also think the inner child in me feels pretty abandoned when time is up and I have to leave safety. So sometimes even if I’m grounded, that part of me will kick in and sort of reopen the distress.

      Ugh.. fun times 💔

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh yeah I totally get that, like all of those things I have experienced in my own way (it actually feels kinda surreal to have another person explain them how I would)

    Abandonment is a big one for me too so I know just how hard it can be to leave sessions. Also what you said about the faucet is so true, when someone is finally listening and giving me room to speak, I feel like I have to do everything right away before they change their mind lol

    On the semi-bright side, the frustration and upset this brings kind of reminds me that I’m making progress, as previously I’d just repress it. Thank you for the reply and I hope it gets easier for you as well! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I so relate to this post! The only other choice is to not work it out – which is more destructive I think. I’m always glad I just keep going. I rely on it for survival- the goal and destiny does sometimes get lost. Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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