When you heal

Others around you will heal

And that is why

You keep healing.

***

This weekend I felt damaged. I felt like leaks sprang from places I couldn’t even find and I was drowning trying to hold myself together. I felt lonely. I felt distraught. I began to wonder what the point of suffering is and where God is and why, so frequently, I feel like I’m completely falling apart.

Tonight, I’m holding on to the domino effect that takes place in family systems when change happens. I’m holding on to that my suffering, because I choose to learn and heal from it, will have profound effects on my children and maybe others close to me, too.

It’s been a weird couple days. I’ve wanted to accidentally be pushed off a cliff, and also I’ve wanted to love so hard and be loved so hard that it must be very confusing for anyone looking in trying to understand what in the world is going on in my head.

I can’t even tell you. It’s sort of terrible in there, especially recently but I guess I have enough coping skills now to merely wish I were dead instead of planning it. Though I did manage to take the exact same train-track walk I took frequently last year in moments of despair. I think I wanted something else out of it. I’m not sure what yet.

I just want to tell myself to keep showing up. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to know why. You don’t have to have a plan or schedule or timeline for healing. You just have to show up, and the rest will come.

Healing will come exactly how it’s supposed to, you just have to let it.

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