Today I couldn’t stop thinking about Madison Holleran. Her story is here.
Shame and guilt and grief have taken over my day today.
Last year at exactly this time, I realized only after getting caught up in my guilt, I’d finished reading What Made Maddy Run and saw myself in her so much that I wished I’d had the guts to jump.
I planned it, even.
I spent hours and hours figuring it out.
I did that, today. I got accidentally lost in that space.
And then I felt so much guilt, it was the perfect time for the eating disorder thoughts to take over.
The emotional intensity with which I feel is like walking through fire and feeling every inch of your skin burn. Then feeling the heat enter your system as it moves past your skin barrier. You will shut down before the fire incinerates your brain.
Trying to ground myself didn’t work. Reaching out didn’t work.
Because you’re too much.
And you’re fine. You’re fucking fine. Just stop communicating.
What the fuck is it about this time of year that sends my brain to want to die?