Today I couldn’t stop thinking about Madison Holleran. Her story is here.

Shame and guilt and grief have taken over my day today.

Last year at exactly this time, I realized only after getting caught up in my guilt, I’d finished reading What Made Maddy Run and saw myself in her so much that I wished I’d had the guts to jump.

I planned it, even.

I spent hours and hours figuring it out.

I did that, today. I got accidentally lost in that space.

And then I felt so much guilt, it was the perfect time for the eating disorder thoughts to take over.

The emotional intensity with which I feel is like walking through fire and feeling every inch of your skin burn. Then feeling the heat enter your system as it moves past your skin barrier. You will shut down before the fire incinerates your brain.

Trying to ground myself didn’t work. Reaching out didn’t work.

Because you’re too much.

And you’re fine. You’re fucking fine. Just stop communicating.

What the fuck is it about this time of year that sends my brain to want to die?

2 thoughts on “Too much guilt

  1. I’ve been in that dark place, plans made, the logistics worked out. It’s only happened once but it scared me. I was prepared to leave my son thinking he would be better off without me. I hated that space and can feel myself starting to climb down that rabbit hole again and know now to get help.
    Today I booked a session with my therapist. I work in mental health and I always remember a colleague saying it is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem”. I can’t even begin to explain how much hearing that has done for me. I Truly hope that by blogging this and putting it down in words it provides some kind of relief or escape for you, an opportunity to pull it back as such. Just know that even though the reply is later than the post there is always someone out there to hear you xx

    Liked by 1 person

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