The tiger can eat me. I’m too exhausted to keep fighting.
My eating disorder can win.
It dawned on me that even though I’ve made a lot of progress, I still enter fight/flight/freeze often, and I don’t have any more energy left to be here, flighting all the time.
I feel like my body should be in a completely different state based on the nutrition I’m (more often than not) giving it consistently and the way I treat it (not over-exercising, trying to take more breaks, etc).
I feel helpless. I feel like a beaten up child.
And worse yet, I can’t say this out loud—no one gets it. Because WHY are you in a state of fight or flight? I don’t even know. It’s crazy-making.
I just have my feelings, and the small parts of me wanting to cry all the fucking time, with a mom hugging my beat-up, broken body. And feeling a range of devastated to sad when I’m alone and mom-less.