Sixty miles out at sea

On a boat alone

No life vest

Screaming into thin cold air

“Help me”

Last breath

“Please”

(This is what it feels like to be in my body right now)

***

My muscles are involuntarily twitching. There is no reason for this. I haven’t worked out in 10 (!!!!!!!) days. My back and neck muscles are in a thousand knots. I can’t turn my head to the right. I have a never-ending headache from hell. My stomach is so upset despite eating the same things I always eat. I have unexplained flank and pelvic pain. I feel like I’m falling apart. I spent all day Friday trying to figure out what is wrong with me and the conclusion was that I’ve already passed a kidney stone. But that doesn’t explain 3/4 of my symptoms and current pain and meanwhile I also don’t know why my brain can’t get a fucking grip on the present. I am so easily triggered. And it takes me hours to recover.

I woke with hope and it is now depleted.