It’s that time of the month where everything feels heavy

-uterus

-limbs

-midsection

Even my lips feel like nothing could lift them into neutral from the heavy frown plastered in place.

It’s that time of year where survival and protection are vital to not winding up ice cold and lifeless on the side of the road.

The two together, and knowing how awful it was going to feel, filled me to the brim with anxiety. Anxiety and depression tag-teamed me all week, until today when the last guest left and immediately depression moved in, evicting anxiety completely.

I got through all of it. There’s a lot swirling in my head that wants to be processed but even if I could I wouldn’t know where to start—I’ve already started to tell myself none of it matters. That I’m being ridiculous and that I need to move on now. Nothing catastrophic happened, I am perfectly fine. Talking about it is just being dramatic.

I feel physically ill, which seems to keep happening whenever depression or anxiety take over in an overwhelming way. I would swear I have a fever, but the thermometer says otherwise.

When my body tries to tell me so much—It’s rather upsetting to be so far away from physical comfort. I feel quite lonely.

Last night my mother was sitting a few feet away from me and I had this urge to be hugged by her and then that was met with my own protective parts saying hell no, that will make you feel worse.

Somehow I turned that into I’m not loved, I’m not worthy of motherly-protection or comfort, I don’t deserve to have this heart wrenching need be met.

And it was heart wrenching. It made me feel ill. I feel ill now.

I don’t want to eat.

I want to quietly disappear.

One thought on “PMDD & Christmas

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