Finally, relief, I thought as I clenched the spinach in my hand I’d pulled out of the shower drain moments earlier, about to destroy the evidence. I proceeded to watch the evidence float away, and watched the toilet refill all the way back up, clear, no remnants for anyone to happen upon.

Goodbye, I thought. Goodbye progress. Where were you getting me anyway? I still wound up in a depression sink hole.

I’ve been alone all day. No one was present with me. I never imagined on my thirty-fourth birthday I’d engage in every eating disorder behavior that makes up my eating disorder. Never in a million years did I think that would happen, even yesterday, barely keeping my head above water drowning in my own tears.

I left each part of my wolf pack yesterday in tears. Because they have other things they need to do. And baby wolves, I guess, need to learn to survive on their own. But this baby wolf is failing at surviving.