You have to feel all your feelings, they said. You have to let the waves come. You have to accept all of it, wave after wave after wave.

Let all of it out. You’re safe.

But the tears came to my eyes, stinging nettles burning my face. Heat flash.

Stop.

Full fucking stop.

I can’t do this. I didn’t let them drop. I didn’t let the heat flash fade. I didn’t ride the wave. Because there are too many waves to ride alone.

Stinging nettles, that’s all I can handle. The rest is inconceivable pain.

I am not safe, I don’t hold safety within my body’s boundaries.

I’d rather feel nothing.

I’d rather drown.

I’d rather never wake up.

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