My eating disorder part is protecting the other parts. I can hear the other parts, the truer parts, the willing parts, screaming to let someone else take over but I can’t do it today.

And it sends me into depression.

It makes me want to scream.

I want to cry in frustration.

I want a hug from my therapist, now.

Because I don’t actually want the eating disorder part to win. I don’t want her to win anything at all. But she’s so good at winning.

ED: I’ll bring my own lunch.

T: Why

ED: because I’m in total panic mode over food

T: ok. hugs. your worth is who you are, not what you eat

***

The pit in my stomach from this simple exchange is so big. Doesn’t she see it’s my eating disorder talking? My ED just wants to be able to show up with nothing, with some lame excuse, and win by then only drinking an Orgain.

Little-me feels like she just gave up on me. Little-me is trapped, and wanted to scream KEEP THE PLAN THE SAME THAT’S WHY THERE IS A PLAN IN PLACE!

But ED has a death grip on all the voices that make any sense.

I don’t know why other voices can break through in this journal, but not in a text message. Maybe because it’s not direct. ED makes no sense ever. And I need everyone else to see that too. If I’ve admitted ED is running the show, please help me stop her.

It’s exactly like when I was a teenager and all the evidence pointed to eating disorder, and my mom stopped making my lunch for me because I was probably just going to throw it away anyway. I need my mom to take over, not give in. My eating disorder is a teenager. The only way the teen in me rebels, is through my eating disorder. I need my mom to take her down. I NEED her to fight back. Accepting what my ED has to say opens a window for me to wonder if anyone cares. Or if maybe it doesn’t matter if I don’t show up with lunch. Maybe I don’t even actually need it. Maybe I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, and so why would anyone care?

ED got me through today and she says she’ll get me through tomorrow, too.

Little me: help.