I am utterly exhausted.
It’s in my eyes. It’s in the way I carry myself. I can barely see.
At first I wanted to scream, “I NEED A BREAK!, LET ME TAKE A FREAKING BREAK!!”
But then I realized, I’m still in so much better of a place than 2, 4, 56789 10 months ago, despite exhaustion.
This is THE fight. This is me choosing life. And I’ve had a lot thrown my way on top of what I need to keep working through, so of course I’m tired.
It doesn’t feel ok.
But it is ok.
I am overwhelmed. I am still working on trauma. I have days where I’m not sure if my eating disorder will win.
But I have fight in my veins and I know when to lean in. I know where I am safe. I know my pack will carry me away from danger. And I know I can let them when everything becomes a bit much.
I am excruciatingly exhausted. But what I need is support, not a break. What I need is to be shown that I will still be accepted even while I breakdown over a yogurt. What I need is accountability, unconditional love, and authentic connection. What I need is to keep showing up for myself.
So I will keep showing up, while you hold my hand and let me cry and hug me like I am a blood relative. Because I am worthy of receiving the care I need, and it is ok to let my needs be met.