Today I feel lost inside chaos I didn’t create but am squarely in the middle of. It seems like everyone else is looking to me to be the strength and guidance they need. And I am. I’ve done it well, so far. But today I want to crumble into the arms of a mother or father who have enough of their own strength to hold me.

It feels like my body is suspended in time and though it’s core is getting stronger, it’s surface is overexposed and cracking. Soon, a storm will come and I will be trapped, still suspended, severely weathered and dying because no one caught that I need from them what I am giving them. It feels like rejection. Rejection feels like depression. Depression feels like dying.

I think missed connections are almost as hard for me as missing connection.

I don’t want to be tested anymore. I just want real, available, authentic, connections.

What is wrong with me? Why are the only people I trust not available to love me?

Today I feel ugly. I feel like my outward appearance represents what society says isn’t attractive. I feel unlovable and grotesque. I want to hide and cry and for no one to find me or touch me because I’m too tired to make anything work. I want to be found by a mom and for her to make everything better, in the way that only a mother does.

I’m holding so much that’s not getting held because of outside chaos and I just feel so heavy and exhausted and truly like my body is going to start making decisions for me. If this is life, why?

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