Today has been a day of anger wanting to take me down and I’m starting to feel burnt out.
I feel so sad for my process.
I feel…scared. I want to just move on and trust everyone and not be so sensitive.
I can feel little-me retreating and that is quite sad to me because I don’t want her to retreat. I want her to get what she needs. And she has to be visible for that to happen. The eating disorder wants to protect her. I want to protect the very vulnerable parts of me.
I’m angry that any of this is even happening. I’m angry that I don’t feel like I have more control over the way things affect me, and that they affect me tremendously.
I was angry with God first, but once I worked through that, anger with Him no longer existed, but the anger I was holding and placing in that direction still exists in full.
It was easier to place it up than it was to place it where it actually belongs. Sitting with where it actually belongs feels much more difficult and I’m not used to operating this way and it feels wrong. It feels not allowed. I feel like I am going to get in trouble or have repercussions for being angry at someone.
I’m not sure how to protect little-me. And that feels quite awful.