The younger parts in me are scared to keep going on this trajectory of recovery.
An upswing feels physically good. I have more energy. I can tend to more things. I can run more.
But in the midst of trauma therapy, where I frequently feel like nothing helps except being wrapped in the arms of support, an upswing feels frightening. I begin to worry that if I keep this up (which is the goal) I will no longer be able to have a place to go when things are hard. Little me won’t have a closet to cry in and a therapist to cry into and a dietician to work through stuff with anymore. They will go away because my body is recovered.
While I cannot fairly say I have no one outside of my support team, I do not have someone geographically close that fills the motherly role I need/crave/want and I know that having that vacancy is extremely hard for me.
It’s always been hard for me. And if I am honest, most of the times the role was filled before in my life, I was checked in on frequently because of my eating disorder. So while my own parents knowledge of eating disorder behaviors pushed them away from me, it brought others closer—out of concern, I assume, but I so desperately wanted that connection that it didn’t matter to me how I was getting it. Perhaps, I wasn’t fully aware either. I do remember as a teen wondering how sick I would have to be, and wanting to be that sick, for my parents to deeply care. As I got better, concern became less, and I think I felt forgotten by whichever adults were filling that role for me at the time.
When nothing else is particularly loud, this relationship anxiety seems to be what pops up. I can’t imagine right now not having frequent opportunities to feel safely. It feels comfortable to cry and feel everything with my support team and I have so many emotions trying to constantly get out that when I think about not having those safe places and people I begin to panic.
The teen part of me is beyond emotional today and I’ve felt a frustratingly urge to cry pretty much all day. It started out over relationship stuff and ended up literally over food and having to eat even though I wanted to eat.
Sometimes teen-me wants to cut off my support before they drop me to avoid feeling hurt, once again. I get so worked up over these precious relationships because they are incredibly meaningful but I cannot process “ending.” It seems like it should be this happy thing: oh look how well you’re doing! It’s time to do life on your own now! Hooray! Good job and good bye. It’s so confusing because I need the relationship to be as intense as it is to heal, and it seems unfair to get to such an intense point with someone with the goal still to be to end. My mind cannot handle it.
All of this, I’m sure, is because I feel emotionally deserted by my parents and I feel emotionally fulfilled by my support team. It’s coming up now because we visited my childhood home, where I felt deserted often. Yet, I’m still eating. So there’s these big feelings but no major behaviors happening to cope and my coping is largely my support team but I suddenly feel frantic that I won’t have them long before they insist I’m well enough to fly on my own.
I have a terrible headache. I feel like I’m processing a hundred things at once. I am a huge, unproductive blob of anxiety that wants her mom constantly. I am little-me begging you to stay, or to come. I am teen-me wishing you would take charge and hold me and promise you won’t let go until we’re both ready.