What part of me is hurting right now?

It’s little-me. It’s the little-me that doesn’t even know what happened to her. And, it’s teen-me who feels all of it in her body, feels lost, feels frozen, needs help, needs love, and needs to be held through all the non-verbal pain, without question, without conditions.

I have to keep telling myself it’s ok to accept and receive help for that, now, in my oh-so-adult-body. I feel sort of like a roller coaster with having self compassion, and being able to take in compassion for me from my team.

The teen in me is so present right now because she is the most stuck in her body and my body is not letting me hold a poker face any more. It has to be exceptionally safe for teen-me to exist. If any sense of this is not ok becomes her reality—in a text, in body language, in silence—she retreats. Angered. Saddened. Disappointed. Then guilty (of course I don’t deserve safety).

Teen-me is also spirited. Goal-oriented. And accolade-driven. That has come out in applying to graduate school. And I love that.

I want teen-me to stay. I want her to be loved. I want her to feel so safe she can let her body do whatever it needs to, and receive love, kindness, and help through everything.

Teen-me needs to know you are not leaving her emotionally. And she needs your physical presence, your undivided attention, your willingness to see that her anger and pushback is really just a great need to be held.

Hold her like five, because she’s protecting five. And hold her even when she pulls away—she just can’t verbalize she needs all the love you’re willing to give her.

Stay, teen, stay.

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