The child in me feels neglected.
I am suddenly not interested in getting back to safety. Maybe because I’m not sure where safety is.
As a child I used to go searching for spots of safety outside and that’s exactly what I’ve found myself doing the last couple days. The search was futile and just served to deepen fears that safety does not exist anymore.
Little-me would find a perfect spot and let my emotions spill out all the while wishing someone would find me. They never did, not once. The walk home was always awful. I am not loved. No one cares. What is wrong with me?
The little girl in me is hurting so bad (not the mom, or wife parts of me), and it has taken over every part of me in such a distressing way. I am not judging it. But I’m not looking at it from logic or adult-me, it’s like those parts are gone and I am stuck as a child believing I must care for myself and stop seeking affection in order to survive.
All of this makes me terribly sad, and completely uninterested in showing up (to recovery-related things) anymore.