What is so wrong with me that I cannot, for the life of me, move past depression? One part of me is screaming to let me re-emerge. Optimistic, generally happy (or at least not wanting to constantly die), kind, me. Where did she go? It feels like she is unrecoverable and I have to be fake for the rest of my life (because, you know, no one wants to be around depression all the time). I have, since puberty, had an inward tendency to feel depressed—but I used to be able to come fully out of it for chunks of time. My chunks of time are hours now instead of weeks.

It’s 4am and I haven’t slept because I have this nagging anxiety that this is it. I can keep trying all I want, but there is no more than this. Whatever I’ve done or was done to me in the past has permanently changed my brain. I will just kind of present as sad, always.

Am I ok with that?

Fuck no. It’s terrible to live like this.

But it seems my depression is bigger than everyone. And I don’t see where to go from here.

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