Sad: it feels like my head is dying, and my heart is in pieces, and air is stuck in my throat.

Sad: missed connections.

Sad: “mom, why are you sad?” “What?” “The corners of your mouth are like this (4-year-old motions with hands to make her lips point down) and I was noticing that and wondering why you’re sad?” Checking in upon this forces me to realize I’m about to cry and wasn’t even aware. I don’t cry, and I feel deep melancholy over the state of my body, awareness, and emotions.

Sad: there isn’t anything to do about this, I am like this always. Life is blue with no yellow when it’s supposed to be mostly yellow and just a little blue. I am blue, dark dark blue.

Sad: deliberately trying to gift joy to other people and still not feeling a part of that joy.

Sad: why am I alive?

My mental health is struggling to maintain above rock bottom. It seems like the world is falling apart and the little bits of bravery against it taking me with it as it crumbles is completely gone today and it looks like it will be a very long time before I’ll be able to move any of the rubble off of me.