Trying to pretend anger doesn’t exist in my body isn’t going to work much longer. Today I feel like a boiling pot about to boil over.

I’m angry and upset and frustrated with everyone but mostly—largely—myself.

I’m angry I waited too long to make the Thai dinner I was supposed to make and when I went to make it today one of the ingredients was spoiled and another I didn’t realize we were out of. So it’s a made up dish now that no one will eat and is probably a huge fucking waste of time and stress.

I’m angry I yelled at my kids in the process—they just wanted to help but nothing was going right and the whining over who got to help threw me right over the edge.

I’m angry the banana bread I tried to make to salvage old bananas and my motivation to complete something edible for my family today literally exploded in the oven. It’s not edible. It’s only symbolic of my emotions and life. A huge fucking mess and useless.

I’m angry at my body.

I’m angry at my mind.

I’m angry I am made this way—feeling so much all the time and not being able to handle it properly.

I’m angry I’m alive.

I’m angry that all of the parts of me just want to be loved and I am often unable to make space for that love and hold on to it.

I’m angry I can’t find my worth or value and that I feel like I’m failing my life.

I’m angry that I care about my weight and size still, and that I believe that will never disappear.

I’m angry that I am a huge waste of space.

3 thoughts on “Seeing Red

  1. Definitely don’t pretend anger isn’t there, you’re completely right about that in your opening statement. Guy is always telling me anger is telling us something, like, for example, that somehow we’ve been violated in some way.
    It doesn’t help us when we take it out on the innocents around us, I completely understand how it feels to be angry round the kids when it’s not their fault. This really adds to the feeling awful about yourself doesn’t it? So now you feel angry AND a bad person. I really do sympathise with that and recognise it in myself more than I care to admit! For me though, when it comes to the kids, repair is massive. I tell them they didn’t deserve that and I’m trying to learn a different way to communicate, and then I demonstrate what I would say differently next time. It’s all we can do, and actually I would say it does make a difference and helps repair things for both them and us.
    Above all, be really gentle with Feeding The Good Wolf, compassion is hard to learn to give to ourselves but I think is probably key in all of this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gosh, I feel so awful when the kids land in my path of anger. Glad I’m not alone in that whole anger process. Having anger at all brings up all sorts of things for me that I don’t feel capable of sorting out 😭
      Thanks for taking time to leave a comment!

      Liked by 1 person

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