It’s harder to get through the no-therapy days feeling this vulnerable. It’s lonely in this middle spot, working through stuff I can’t really share anywhere else. Heavy depression swoops in so fast after being brave and I guess I’m just supposed to cope with it. Without restricting, purging, over-exercising, and any other maladaptive way to cope.

In this part of my story, I am a little girl. Little girls (hopefully) have parents or guardians around them all the time to tell them it’s ok, hold their hand, give them hugs, simply be with them. How do I get through this without that and depression taking over so intensely on all the in-between days?

I guess this is why trauma intensive residential programs exist. Little-me wants 24/7 reassurance that I’m ok, that I’m loved, that I can keep talking/crying/shaking/receiving love. That I’m safe. (But how do those places work when it takes SO LONG to build trust in a relationship to allow for safety and vulnerability?)

I want my eating disorder to die so I can’t give in to the temptation to fix all the loneliness and pain and panic with it. But in that case, I’m left with depression and it’s very hard to bare without looking for ways out of it.

Yesterday’s feelings of relief and progress are not lost on me but I am not confident I won’t break in between.

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