We are better when we are on our own.

We are better when we can only rely on each other. Better when we are traveling. Better on the road, on the fly, on foreign land.

Something about coming together to figure shit out, knowing which person has strength in figuring out the metro quickly and which person can destroy “where is …” in a foreign language but still get proper answers … that lights a fire in us–as a team.

My family unit–the 4 of us–is the absolute most important thing to me.

Somewhere along the way this value got cloudy and eventually drowned out by anorexia. By trauma. By depression and anxiety.

I want it back.

When we were first married, I feared what others thought but allowed love and trust to overcome that fear. We made most of our decisions on our own or with fair weight to other’s thoughts and opinions. I do think getting external advice from trusted and valued sources can be helpful and bring in perspectives that might be worth looking at. But around the time of getting pregnant, and moving back to our home state, I lost all my confidence in my own decision making and even decisions the both of us were making together. It’s as if the geographical proximity to so many people we know invaded our ability to trust ourselves. We (but especially I ) based so many of our decisions and self worth on our parent’s opinions. Our sibling’s actions. Our friend’s thoughts.

I want to trust myself. My family unit. My heart. My husband’s heart. Our collective heart and our collective values. I want to be strong enough to say and to really believe: fuck what everyone else thinks! Which is the number one piece of advice I’ve ever gotten.

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