Panic run. Panic purge. I didn’t purge.

A skip, B skip, C skip. Backwards skip. Carioca, bounding, toe walk, heel walk. Things my brain remembered. We used to do these drills barefoot in the grass in college. It was my favorite part of practice.

It felt like flying and freedom and fun.

I was trying to visualize how to purge. And it felt terrible. So I went running instead. And it felt terrible—because my body hates me and I seem to be destined to always be injured now. I gave you enough time. I fed you. I rested you. IT IS YOUR TURN TO DO WORK!

I want to be free. And I can’t even skip without pain—a sore reminder I am not free. I am shackled to this brain and body that hate me.

I feel sad and hopeless today. But I’d rather just not feel at all.

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