At some point, if you can’t turn your negative thoughts around, everyone will leave you. Even the helpers. They will tire. They have limits. You don’t know what they are but you feel like you’re approaching them. You creep a little closer to the edge, and even though they lean in, they will have a stopping point. A breaking point. A point where you are too much. It’s like a test of endurance and you have trained for this but you are also breaking.
You are growing and they are so proud of you! They mean emotional, spiritual, mental growth. You hear physical growth and you feel physical growth and it doesn’t matter if it’s real or imagined. It still exists in your reality.
You are so hungry.
But you keep thinking you need to figure everything out before you can eat lunch. Before you deserve lunch. Before you can even pretend that maybe you are worth keeping your self alive today, which means: lunch.
You used to not believe in the word trigger–overused and ugly–but last night was t r i g g e r i n g. His name and picture. Then, group texts about going out Friday night. You already committed last week. You’ve already cancelled so many things, you can’t cancel this one, too. One of those girls dated him and you have so many questions for her that will never get asked. Instead they will sink deep inside you while you sit next to her and sip cocktails and avoid eating with her tonight. Then you’ll feel like shit later because being in her presence is so weird. But it’s not her fault her presence sends your stomach and burns your throat.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself?
Last night’s anxiety followed you to sleep, met you in your nightmares, and resurfaced 5 hours later (at least there was 5 hours of sleep), at 5:13am. It’s carried into the day and of course the only logical reason for all this anxiety is because you’re fat and no one will love/like/tolerate you in this current physical condition. You know. But nothing makes sense in your brain. It’s a damaged, decaying, diabolical storage shed painted black and white and laced with confusion.