In an effort to quell the part of me that is royally annoyed with this depression deep dive, I went to the end of the internet and back with Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing and tigers and I didn’t mean to end up here watching this interview, but I did, and my mind exploded at around 21 minutes-28 minutes.
When I started therapy I didn’t think I even had real trauma. It’s not bad enough. I didn’t even write it down on any intake paperwork. I wasn’t lying per se, rather, unaware.
NOW I KNOW.
And it seems like the more I accept it, the more I remember, the more I’m faced with the opportunity (dreadful as it may be) to work through it and that is really fucking scary. And outrageously hard. And I’m not sure I can do it. But I have to try.
Depression and the eating disorder link hands and tell me I caused every traumatic thing, small or big, to happen. And I have to pay for it—it’s my body’s fault.
But it’s not my fault.
IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
It made so much sense to me when in the interview (above) they talk about generational trauma—where traumatic things happened to those before you in your bloodline and now it’s a part of you. That energy is a part of your body and that certainly isn’t your fault.
But what they are also saying is it’s all so very possible to get through. To not be stuck in trauma for forever.
Of course I’ve heard these things before, from my team, from my own learning, from just generally trying to figure out what the fuck keeps me drowning, but it just clicked tonight. Maybe it’s the very intense brain zaps I’m getting from abruptly stopping an SNRI, (losing actual touch with all senses for a split second is extremely disturbing) but I’m going to try my best to go with it. Like a reset. And yes, I know that is not chemically accurate but isn’t half of everything in life just about your mindset anyway?