You wake up at every hour of the night in between the kind of nightmares only your brain could create. You are sweaty and cold and pull the weighted blanket over you. Maybe adding 10 pounds to your body will help you sleep. It does. You don’t want to get up when it’s finally time to and so you don’t until guilt kicks in that your children should probably not watch tv all morning.

There are a thousand toys spread throughout the house which overwhelms you but you temporarily ignore it for the promise of a cup of coffee. Yes, coffee will get you through the next hour. You try to do some things on the computer but suddenly everything becomes overwhelming and you have a strong urge to scream. You don’t. You get up and look at the toys and try to convince your kids if they pick all of them up you will take them somewhere fun. But they cry there are toooooooooo maaaannnyyyyyyyy. You avoid getting angry and retreat to the couch under a blanket and suddenly cry your own tears. So many toys.

You are not crying over toys. You tell yourself and your kids to pick up the toys and leave the house. But only make it upstairs to your room, where you meant to get dressed, but instead sit in the closet and cry more because you can’t hold it in—it just keeps coming. You don’t see how you’ll make it through this day. Everything is overwhelming. You call your therapist, maybe she will say something that will help, but she doesn’t answer and you can’t leave a voicemail because you are crying hysterically.

You feel defeated and it is only 9:58am.

Stop. Get yourself the fuck together. Get. Yourself. The. Fuck. Together. This is not ok.

And that is when you get up. Immediately stop crying as if nothing happened and you are completely fine. And let your eating disorder rule you.

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