I decided I didn’t need to take the antidepressant I’ve been prescribed this morning. Because I woke up in the dark, dark, dark and it does not make any sense to me why I feel like this on it so I might as well be off it.

Birth control: same.

I barely ate today and Disney+ babysat my kids. I canceled the week. Appointments, that is. But it feels like I canceled myself. I’m not sure why I’ve been going and I didn’t have energy to figure out childcare. Pretty soon my kids are going to remember a childhood filled with being dragged to sit in offices with mom.

My body needs love and I denied it for the entire week ahead. I’m letting the eating disorder win the week. I don’t see a way out.

Mom, I need you to ask me all the questions, and give me all the hugs. I’ve needed you immensely since Wednesday and I can barely move today because it hurts that much.

I need you to pray with me because my prayers fall short and I wish a stronger relationship existed between myself and my Heavenly Father but I am so lost and feel so vacant.

I can’t seem to get dinners right, basic, simple, things and I need you to help. I can’t get anything right and I need you to help. I can’t hold tears back very well anymore and I need somewhere for them to go. Where are you and why aren’t you available?

I hate that I just want a glass of wine (or two) right now, so I can feel better for an hour (or two) but I’ll probably feel worse later and I have no idea what I’m doing. Immediate Gratification is my favorite game.

I woke up in the dark and darkness hovered all day. I am lazy and everyone deserves so much better. Remarkably better.

I think I’d jump if I had the opportunity.



A Daughter You Don’t Even Know

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