“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.”
The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent.
What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I need not look any further than my own precious 4-year-old. She just climbed into my lap at 5:32am. Her sweet and sensitive tiny body sinks into mine and the deep breath she takes tells me I am her safe place.
I’ve done nothing in my life to not deserve the same deep breath of safety.
My 4-year-old self needs a chance to take that same breath. I have that chance now and it’s ok to accept it, lean into it, heal from it. The part of me that becomes anxious and afraid isn’t me at all. It’s my eating disorder fearful this very thing will destroy it.
And that’s exactly what I want. To shatter anorexia’s death grip so I can feel safety and love.
Believing in God’s love, and others’ love— especially therapeutically—consistently, truly, and with an open heart will bring those deep breaths. The child in me deserves this.
My children’s mother deserves this.
I deserve this.
Feed the good wolf.