Why am I like this?

I forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning. I truly forgot. I did not remember until 12 hours passed. And now I want to self-destruct. I hate taking it in the first place and half of me is saying fuck it, I don’t even know if it’s working, just use this as a jump start to quit cold turkey.

I ate lunch. Half a dinner. I didn’t workout. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t accept the fat on my body and I feel nauseous with failure in all directions.

One-fifth of my hair is teal-navy-purple and my dad tells my mother, “what, is she turning weird now?”

Am I?

The forever sting of my dad’s disapproval. I just need to lose some weight and run faster.

I left flowers and a hand-written note at the doors of 5 neighbors to hopefully brighten their day. The kids were excited to go on a “kindness mission.” But I haven’t come in physical contact with another adult today, and instead of feeling joy, I feel alone. The desperate kind of alone. The kind that settles in the pit of your stomach and whispers you’re alone because no one cares. Go ahead–choke on those tears you’re not letting go. The house seems cold and empty but everyone is just sleeping in the warmth of their respective beds. Except me. I’m not going to bed tonight–the couch has claimed me. The weighted blanket I’m under is grounding, but maybe too grounding because all my emotions are in my throat and chest and threatening my eyes. I cannot fall asleep crying. Alone. Again.

4 thoughts on “No More Crying

  1. Depression sucks, plain and simple. I just pulled through a terrible bout, with the help of a med increase. I know so many people that struggle with meds but I think of it like gas. I’d love to drive my car as it is but it’s a 2600 lb paperweight without gas in it, and so am I. Sadly people who haven’t experienced real depression don’t and can’t understand.
    I hear your struggle, pain, and understand.

    Liked by 1 person

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