Same shirt

Same hair

No shower

Not enough food

Not enough water

No exercise

Tears stream when I wake up, when it’s silent, when I’m alone, in my dreams

No crying

Canceled social plans

Added watching others’ children

***

In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few words, she interrupts; “I’m already on my way.” Helping herself in exactly 36 minutes later, and holding me until she instinctively knew it was ok to let go, share a bottle of wine, and talk. Or maybe she brought a movie, because she knew I might not be ready to talk.

The deepest darkness got darker, the tears came in abundance–this will not happen.

So I imagined my best friend, or my aunt coming, who I feel strongly would come if they didn’t live a plane flight away. And that brought me out of the deepest waters but kept me in the water because without them, without authentic connections, I struggle to survive.

I need you to care and love me as much as I care and love you. I need you to get me.

The story I’ve told myself in the last dreadful 48 hours is that authentic connections don’t exist for me here because I’m not worthy of them. That my team doesn’t count because they will not be showing up at my door, and I will not be showing up at theirs. That I am lonely because I deserve to be.

Sure, it’s just a story. My thoughts may not be true or right or real. But those thoughts are simmering and growing and becoming my truth as I sink into the deep end. My existence doesn’t matter if I can’t connect.