It’s a me thing. It’s not a medication thing, an environmental thing, or any other outside factor.
If I was created this way, then I must be meant to experience intense depression. It’s supposed to show me something … or something.
I brought myself to this place.
I have to bring myself out of this place.
It’s a me thing, it’s my fault I’m here. I don’t think at this point anyone can do anything else for me.
It’s a little bit maddening to be existing and carrying on while feeling like the earth is about to open and swallow me whole at any second. It’s most exhausting to feel like it’s pouring rain but the sun is out, and want to feel the sun, but somehow be so far away from it.
You have to eat more to fight it off. So I did. I ate an adequate lunch, though it was scattered over the course of 3 hours.
I am not emaciated. I’m not even medically underweight. I’m not even close to over-exercising. I am not purging. My labs are fine, everything is fine. I should already be at a place where medication can work. Where everything I’m doing can work. So, it’s me.
“It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for this” essentially no longer applies. It is my fault and I may not have asked for it but I now have to figure out how to deal with it.
And I’m just not sure I can.