Will fix everything.

When I left here, I never thought I would be back here. And here I find myself struggling to be.

Imagining a life here, a career here, even just going back to school here, is oddly impossible. Even in my teens when I was full of optimism and hope for my future, I had trouble envisioning success here. So I didn’t stay. I left as soon as I could and I never had any intentions of permanently returning.

When I’m here I am not comfortable changing. The expectations I believe people here have of me are in my face too often. It’s almost as if my independence disappears. In faraway places I am much more confident. I am able to reinvent myself without judgment. I fear judgment far less.

I find myself daydreaming of starting over in all the places I called home in my adult life thus far. And imagining places I haven’t been yet as an invitation to move on from this life here, that I’m not really living.

At 7:30 this morning a perfect clash of my health, my new doctor, a friendship and medical provider, multiple sensitive subjects, feeling vulnerable, annoying, stressed, and hurt all at once while in my children’s doctor office lobby, waiting for their wellness checks (which included shots: MORE STRESS), built up and the internal emotional turmoil occurring was a bit too much. I feel unimportant, I guess. And it’s easier to forget about feeling unworthy where no one knows you and can’t be expected to care.

I would like to give up on here, and hope my brain fixes itself in a different land.

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