God, Universe, Heavens, Someone In My World,
I need to know, right now, I am going to get through this.
5:36am: please let this day be different.
10:45am: I don’t have to go to the bathroom, I have to turn the faucet on to remember I am alive.
11:22am: “How are things going with you…?” This is exactly why I didn’t want to leave the house. I can’t answer but the tears flooding my eyes give me away. There are 30 people in this room, breathe, breathe, breathe.
1:45pm-4:20pm: I’m stuck. I will move when I’m needed. This is never going to end. I don’t deserve any of the amazing people in my life. Get a grip. Make a phone call. Send a text. Anything. Get out of this space. (3:40, call, hang up: What am I going to say? Hi, help me, I feel like dying? No.)
5:22pm: “kids ok today? Is something going on tonight? I’m getting a weird vibe.”
Of course you’re getting a weird vibe, I want to cry and I’ve barely eaten and I’m so fat and I cannot stand myself and now I hate myself even more for putting off a bad vibe” Kids were great. No plans tonight, I’m just tired. How was your day?
5:29pm: “mommy are you sick?”