Sadness arrives and spreads like wildfire.

Last night I barely slept.

But I did dream, half awake, and woke up crying. I don’t remember the dream, just the feeling that took place right before I woke up in tears: despair.

My letdown when I breastfed my kids was painful but relieving at the same time. I had so much milk it was overwhelming for my body to handle (though it did, with tons of tears and hot showers and so much pain).

This is how my head felt as I woke up wiping tears away. An overwhelming rush of emotions that couldn’t get out fast enough resulting in pain. I felt the letdown. Heat spread over my scalp from back to front as the fire spread and grew and gained momentum and I thought: no! Stop! I knew what was coming.

Today I remembered that I slept on the floor. And that I didn’t really sleep at all. That my brother drove home.

Then, an unsettling feeling that my body betrayed me in its attempt of protection. I am so startled by fragments of memories coming alive at 3pm on a Tuesday. I feel overwhelmed with grief. I am incredibly sad.

I wonder if I’m capable of packaging all of that up, never revisiting it, and just being ok. I fear I am not. Fear leads to danger so quickly: I’m already imagining all the ways this can end.

(Reach out!)

But I’m fine I don’t need to bring anyone else down with me. So I’m not going to reach out. It’s just a thought, it’s just a wave, it will pass…help. I need sleep so badly.

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