Chai tea is one of my favorite things. I banned it because of the higher calorie content and lower caffeine content versus coffee. Today my baby step and act of kindness toward myself is drinking the chai tea. Yes, the mug says “Kind Coffee” on it, my favorite coffee in the US (Estes Park, CO).

I noticed a shift today: I don’t want to jump off a cliff to my death, and I am not preoccupied with the details of how that might happen. In fact, those thoughts haven’t intensely intruded in about a week, which is drastically different than the previous couple of months where, although it ebbed and flowed, it lingered and I was in a constant state of truly not knowing what I might decide each night when it was the worst.

It’s an odd feeling, honestly, to not have that in the background. I almost feel like something is missing. It’s a relief that my eating disorder hates, because if I don’t want to die, then I might gain some energy to put toward being kind to myself. The possibility of kindness coming in the form of taking care of my body and honoring its needs seems more possible.

Kindness for myself is unnatural and seems wrong. I feel guilty and undeserving. I think that’s the eating disorder talking, but much like body image, it’s extremely difficult for me to separate that out.

Today I will hang on to this moment of clarity I’ve arrived at, sip my chai tea, and try my best not to let the kindness or the calories affect the rest of my choices throughout the day.

I can do this. 

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