Things I heard recently:

“That fat fuck doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

“Hey, shit for brains.”

“What would it be like to forgive yourself?”

This week:

Car totaled: buy new car.

Home warranty expired 26 days ago: A/C died: Move out of 90 degree house for the week: Buy new A/C.

SEVEN appointments. I’m not that sick. H/O EATING DISORDER W PURGING on the front page of paperwork I hand to 2 of those appointments. 

Phone stopped working properly. Don’t buy new phone.

Cancel haircut. I don’t need to spend money on a haircut. 

Last night: “I can’t believe how much you did this week. I am so grateful for you. Do you want the day and night to yourself tomorrow?” No, it’s okay! You had a stressful week too! “I didn’t have two tiny children whining and crying and needing me all day while handling and problem solving the events of this week. Please, take some time for yourself tomorrow.” Okay. 

Startled by today, alone, before 3pm:

My brother-in-law

The guy who gave me a pedicure

The MRI technician, twice

The A/C repairman

3:30pm: try to eat strawberries. Shake uncontrollably. Stop. Get frustrated. Reach out. Eat another strawberry. Stop. Shake. Eat 8 more. Done.

You have to eat. You’re on high alert because you haven’t eaten enough.

Eat dinner. Feel full. Don’t purge.

I can still feel my ribs. Everything is okay. 


One thought on “In July

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