“Is there some sort of trauma timeline or process we are following?”

“Yes, but you have to have adequate nutrition first.”

That felt a little bit like getting punched in the face.

I literally cannot move forward in my life with anything until I can figure out how to be consistent with adequate nutrition and refraining from purging.

I have almost exhausted every possible way to do things without giving up my eating disorder. I was still thinking; somehow I can improve my circumstance, make therapy useful, and not gain any more weight.

I can feel myself in fight mode. In panic mode–running out of options and ways to manipulate my own process.

I am beyond scared.

I have been afraid for most of the last year but this is a different kind of afraid.

This is fight or flight but if I flight I’m choosing the eating disorder.

I choose fight. I am terrified of laying my entire eating disorder out in the open. But I choose fight, because it’s not me that’s trying to take my life. It’s not me.

It’s already taken so much of my life.

Help yourself fight, you have to eat.

Coping skill: fuck you, eating disorder!