I’ve been extremely hard on myself for thinking that I am excessively needy. There are so many moments when I just need a hug but the thought of reaching out like that means I’m deliberately going against the eating disorder because something that will cause comfort and lead to less anxiety will cause weight gain because I’ll eat more. Even just the baby step to that–reaching out for words of affirmation or to vent is hard because I think I’m failing at doing things myself and bothering the recipient. Judging is my eating disorder’s favorite pastime.
But OF COURSE I want/need physical touch. When you’re scared of something, what do you want? You want someone to be close by. You want someone to hold your hand and walk through the scary thing together. You want reassurance and not to feel alone and sometimes a hug is both of those things. Sometimes a hug is accepting energy from someone that can offer it when you feel like you have nothing left to give yourself. I was viewing this as weak, and not allowing myself to even entertain the possibility that my love language is actually physical touch and I need it to battle the eating disorder. It’s the eating disorder part of me that wants to deny and destroy accepting love because that makes the eating disorder weaker. I get as much anxiety around physical touch as I do around food. It comes from the same place.
The family I was born into does not give out words of affirmation or physical touch freely; of course I’m starving for both when both are necessary for my emotional survival.
Even if I can’t always accept it, I can make a concerted effort to stop judging myself for needing love. I am human, this is simply a matter of being a living, breathing, human being. It has nothing to do with being weak or needy or annoying.
Love, in whatever way I need it, is acceptable.