On Saturday we went kayaking and the guide told me to lean into crashing into the river bank. If you do what’s natural–to fight against it or push away–you will probably fall out.

I want to lean in to life.

I want to heal my body so I can run fast again.

I miss running wildly and freely. When my body didn’t have so many rules to follow and restraints in place. When it just knew what to do and when to slow down and when to take off, fly, and be free. I hate that it has become only punishment and that each step is tearing my body up because I’m not getting enough fuel to support working out like I am. My runs are terrible. My body hates me. I don’t want to constantly feel this bad. Like I’m slowly dying. Like my bones are getting weak and my muscles are tearing. I want to feel strong, not sick.

I want to heal my brain so I can accomplish my goals. So I can be the person I am meant to be. So I can find joy on a regular basis. So I can go through life with my head up. So I can feel freely and not in fear, or not at all.

I want to heal my spirit so I can feel whole.

I want to lean in and figure this stuff out. I am leaning in, I am doing it. Keep going.

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