I haven’t really thought about trust much until this week. I keep asking myself why I get impossibly anxious as I walk into therapy, almost every time. I do get anxious daily, but it’s in spurts and generally the highest right after I eat something. Save for the infrequent panic attack, I don’t regularly become quite as anxious as I do when I walk through the door to therapy.
The anxiety is so out of control my brain feels like it’s shutting down and my voice feels lost. I always feel welcomed, cared for, and extremely safe in this space. So it’s not a matter of any of that. Yet sometimes my anxiety sky rockets so quickly I’m afraid I might pass out. Sometimes I feel like I might throw up. Sometimes it feels like I leave my body and I’m watching everything happen from above and I can’t shake that out-of-body feeling. Yes, this stuff happens outside of therapy but I just feel like by now it shouldn’t be this hard.
Then I realized a part of it is about trust. In theory I trust my therapist. I have told her more than I have ever told anyone else and in much more detail. I trust her more than I have ever trusted anyone else. But I don’t fully trust that I won’t be judged. Which, is probably a projection of my own insecurity and the way I judge myself. As in- how could anyone, who holds so many stories regarding everything that sucks about me, still have compassion for me? It doesn’t really make sense in my head and causes me to fear that the more I add to the bookshelf, the closer I become to cause for abandonment or at a bare minimum least favorite client. It literally causes me to check out. Fear of not being liked, loved, or accepted and the consequences for those things happening ie. severed relationship, renders me speechless…….. and yes as I’m writing this I realize these are core values showing up because it’s my emotional defense mechanism to throw up a huge wall (hi, anxiety) when I become afraid of those things.
I didn’t know when I started writing this that this is where it would end up. I just wrote the title “trust” because I felt like I had to figure something out and… it worked.
I don’t understand though where the fear of becoming attached and fear of subsequent abandonment comes from. I don’t have any examples of being abandoned by someone close. And I don’t have a reason to fear attachment.