Today I’m going to try my best to just accept and arrive as I am. How I am right now, in this very moment, is okay. Finally believing it’s all right to show up as I am has allowed a huge wave of inner peace to wash over me. I feel a significant drop in anxiety by accepting this. It’s not good or bad, it just is. I don’t have to reach all my goals all at once, I can take baby steps to make progress, and that is perfectly fine.

I keep wanting to skip steps and make giant leaps, which only results in disappointment with a quick return to poor coping strategies.  I’m extremely good at minimizing and ignoring my own emotions and experiences but I can’t continue to operate that way if I want to recover. By truly believing recovery is a process and not placing so much pressure on myself to get everything right the first time and thus be on my way as quick as possible, my heart is more open. Vulnerability seems possible. The concrete anxiety wall is disintegrating. I think this is a missing puzzle piece (and maybe there are more missing pieces) and in finding it I feel such a huge sense of relief.

I have repeated to myself a hundred times today: where you’re at, is where you’re at. It is okay. And that is calming. Abruptly halting the constant black and white internal fight and thinking in the gray is allowing more space for being kind toward myself.

I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I am going to get somewhere, even if it’s much slower than I anticipated, and I am able to accept that. Future-tripping me is worried this is going to be fleeting, but I just keep repeating; right now. Right now is what I’m focusing on. Where I’m at right now is okay. 

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