I am basically Chidi from The Good Place. I am in constant heavy turmoil with my own ethics, morals, and values.
I continually choose to go against my values every single time I act on an eating disorder behavior. And that guts me.
In all other areas of my life, I take pride in my integrity. I’m not even close to perfect but I have good intentions and make a concerted effort to uphold my family’s values. It comes naturally and easily for me. I recognize and learn quickly when others serve me and try to pass that on.
Why, then, is it excruciatingly difficult to recognize my eating disorder does not serve me or others and does not fall in line with a single value that I hold.
These are the top 10 values that resonate the most with me off of a list of over 200. I’m going to list how my eating disorder has affected each one negatively.
connection – Isolation makes it very difficult to connect, not eating when others are eating makes it difficult to keep connection going in the moment.
empathy – It’s harder to recognize others feelings when you’re not around others and when you’re inside your head constantly.
endurance – Inadequate nutrition makes it impossible to have physical or emotional endurance.
enthusiasm – My eating disorder sucks the life out of me and it is extremely hard to get excited about anything.
excellence – Achieving excellence seems like a far-fetched, unattainable idea because I have no energy or space in my thoughts to do anything great.
exploration – I lose my generally very strong desire to seek out adventure, travel, and fun.
family – I sometimes put my eating disorder first.
gratitude – Showing gratitude stops being something that comes natural and is often forgotten about.
respect – I don’t care to learn anyone else’s story because I’m focused on stupid fucking shit.
spontaneous – I am not up for being flexible and spontaneity, especially around food, is not an option.
I took a break to get the kids and myself dressed after writing that out. I walked up the stairs thinking; an eating disorder doesn’t serve you. It rips you away from everything you love. And then I got dressed and all of the positive thinking and motivation dissolved. Instead of feeling confident in my values, I feel guilty that I’m not upholding them. If I’m going to keep choosing an eating disorder over everything else then, irrefutably, there is no reason to live.