I can’t stay in my eating disorder

1. It ruins my life

2. I’m not allowed to enjoy food

3. I’m not allowed to enjoy drinks

4. I have to be obsessed with calories

5. And the scale

6. And miles run

7. I’m a terrible mom

8. & wife

9. & daughter, sister, cousin, friend

10. I’m frequently sick

11. Health issues

12. Suicidal ideation

13. Depression

14. So much anxiety

15. Sex is difficult

16. I hate myself

17. Social gatherings are hell

18. I can’t hold conversation

19. I can’t sleep

20. It makes me such a sorry excuse for a human being

21. I lose my personality

22. My memory is terrible

23. I can’t focus

24. My values get lost

25. I lose my sense of humor

THEN WHY CAN’T I JUST SAY PEACE OUT, ED, YOU SUCK, GOOD RIDDANCE!?

I get incredibly anxious thinking about all the time I’ve wasted being consumed with an eating disorder (which I’m not even good at that, like seriously come on I can’t even reach ed goals) and it sends me into a self-hate vortex that is extremely difficult to get out of. I’m constantly hanging out in self-hate land and it is harrowing here. There’s nothing to do but be consumed by numbers and somehow I can’t let go of all that shit because OTHERWISE I WANT TO DIE.

What. The. Fuck.

What the fuck.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

How is starving all the time helping anything? Especially when you’re not even good at it!? At least if you’re going to do it, then do it successfully and see it through to the end.

Just stop. Stop panicking. Start eating like a normal person. Start living your life instead of wanting to leave it behind. Why is that so hard? Why is it taking painstakingly long with no end in sight?

I’ve been daydreaming about drowning. Not because that’s how I want to leave earth, but because I feel suffocated by all my thoughts and I feel like I’m drowning in them.

4 thoughts on “Reasons why

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that your eating disorder is causing you so much misery. I can’t imagine how hard it is to constantly worry about the calories in food and how much you eat, but please don’t think it’s easy and you’re just weak. People with anorexia or bulimia are somehow wired like this, and your brain is telling you that you can’t eat this or you can’t have that. It might tell you that you’ll get fat, or it might not even be about that. Usually it’s about control. You can control your food intake, by not having food. For some reason, your brain is telling you not to eat.

    But it is possible to recover, people have done it. It’s scary as hell and not easy. Rewiring your brain may feel damn near impossible but it’s not. I was the opposite to you. I loved, and still love, eating. I’d binge on as much food as I possibly could, mostly sweets and chocolate. I went from already being big to being full on fat, and I believed that it would never end until I died from a blood clot or untreated diabetes or have an early death if I carried on that way, and I went to a group where we learned how to eat healthier and slim down, and it was so hard but within 2 weeks I lost over a stone. Now for you, its about trying to actually eat. You don’t have to do anything different to me, you just need to eat healthily. Have a balanced diet. But your condition wont allow you to eat. It sees food as the enemy. But I used to see is as a friend.

    Have you got a counsellor? You need to speak to people about this, and keep speaking to people, keep trying, don’t give up

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s okay, I am getting help also. I’m glad you have help and no problem, I see somebody struggling I feel it and I wish to help, just by letting you know somebody, even a stranger, cares and wants you to get better 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. (sorry I didn’t finish). Don’t give up, and don’t give in to your eating disorder. And also, don’t let it define who you are. You are many things, and you have an eating disorder. It might not be cured but maybe it can be treated, and with the right guidance you might be able to eat more, and maybe one day you’ll eat food without your life revolving around it. My life too revolves around food, maybe for the opposite reason, but I understand the difficulty of trying to let go of the control and just enjoy life, and enjoy food without it being a constant fear or worry.

      I wish you luck and I hope you find some help or continue getting it, and speak to your family, don’t shut them out. You’re an amazing person, and stop beating yourself up about your ED. You can’t help it and I genuinely believe that sometimes our brains are wired in a certain way, and people who blame ED suffered for their problem don’t understand. Keep fighting it, and keep doing whatever a profesional may tell you, and maybe one day you’ll look back eating a sandwich and remember kicking hour ED’s butt! Good luck to you, seriously, and don’t let your ED stop you from being all great things you are, because you are not your eating disorder.

      Liked by 1 person

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