I can’t stay in my eating disorder
1. It ruins my life
2. I’m not allowed to enjoy food
3. I’m not allowed to enjoy drinks
4. I have to be obsessed with calories
5. And the scale
6. And miles run
7. I’m a terrible mom
8. & wife
9. & daughter, sister, cousin, friend
10. I’m frequently sick
11. Health issues
12. Suicidal ideation
14. So much anxiety
15. Sex is difficult
16. I hate myself
17. Social gatherings are hell
18. I can’t hold conversation
19. I can’t sleep
20. It makes me such a sorry excuse for a human being
21. I lose my personality
22. My memory is terrible
23. I can’t focus
24. My values get lost
25. I lose my sense of humor
THEN WHY CAN’T I JUST SAY PEACE OUT, ED, YOU SUCK, GOOD RIDDANCE!?
I get incredibly anxious thinking about all the time I’ve wasted being consumed with an eating disorder (which I’m not even good at that, like seriously come on I can’t even reach ed goals) and it sends me into a self-hate vortex that is extremely difficult to get out of. I’m constantly hanging out in self-hate land and it is harrowing here. There’s nothing to do but be consumed by numbers and somehow I can’t let go of all that shit because OTHERWISE I WANT TO DIE.
What. The. Fuck.
What the fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
How is starving all the time helping anything? Especially when you’re not even good at it!? At least if you’re going to do it, then do it successfully and see it through to the end.
Just stop. Stop panicking. Start eating like a normal person. Start living your life instead of wanting to leave it behind. Why is that so hard? Why is it taking painstakingly long with no end in sight?
I’ve been daydreaming about drowning. Not because that’s how I want to leave earth, but because I feel suffocated by all my thoughts and I feel like I’m drowning in them.