The only thing that’s helping ease the manic stress I’m feeling right now is to make plans to restrict when we get back from our thanksgiving trip. I am negotiating with the eating disorder as if it’s actually holding me hostage (isn’t it?) and it’s dropping my freak-out meter from a 10 to a 7. I did not imagine this is how I would feel the day before leaving. I never imagined vacation feeling this stressful. I certainly never imagined packing anxiety medication to fend off panic attacks so I could breathe in the event that happens, again.

The husband leaves for two weeks in the beginning of December and all I can think is: when he leaves I’ll lose all this weight I’ve gained and everything in my world be fine. 

I’d like to say, “and here’s how I’m going to act opposite and not let that happen” but there is zero logic happening right now and I just see fat everywhere and the only way to fix it is restriction. Science doesn’t apply to me and I am the one person in the entire world that won’t die if I just stop eating. I know, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t deal with stress and I definitely can’t deal with this gaining body.

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