None of what is going on in my head matters.

What I weigh does not matter. How many calories I consume each meal does not matter. Whether or not it is “time” to eat, or if other people are eating more or less than me, or how many calories I burned or will burn does not matter.

Being a good human being matters. Being kind matters. Having meaningful relationships matters. Living life as I feel it should be lived, matters. Raising my two tiny humans matters and offering the best life for my battle buddy (or dog, but she got me through 2 deployments and so many more weeks alone) matters.

And so it’s ever so confusing when I can’t hold onto what I truly, deeply, genuinely believe in and value and shut out the eating disorder. How are these things not enough to peace out eating disorder thoughts?

When I’m engaging in disordered behavior I am unbelievably selfish. I become all the absolute worst parts of myself and I am everything I don’t want to be. I have no room for relationships and I fake everything I manage to make time for which is exhausting.

I basically missed the last 5 months of my children’s lives. And my life.

I had this thought a couple months ago which was my main motivation for seeking help and I think I thought, well I’ll fix this by getting help and it will disappear, quickly. I didn’t have any expectation management going in. I really thought – and I even remember telling the husband – that I would need help for a couple months, tops. Then all of this would be behind me forever and I could continue to live my life, sans eating disorder.

I’m starting to get antsy that I’m going to miss even more of my life and my family’s life and at what point does that make me a terrible human being? At some point, isn’t all of this too much? I’m worried this is me. This is it, I am innately so selfish that I don’t carry the ability to truly move past this. It is, after all, the thing I keep going back to over and over and over again with more determination each time.

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