I spent all week paranoid the number on the scale would take a big leap and by the time I got to the Dietitian appointment, she wouldn’t think I belonged in her office because I was too fat to have an eating disorder.
The fight or flight state I am in is so intense I can’t sleep more than 2-4 hours each night and I have no idea how I am functioning. Anorexia (am I even actually anorexic?) is giving me the greatest high that I can’t seem to come down from — though I know there has to be an end.
She never weighs me. I am beyond relieved. She does, however, pull every eating disorder behavior out of me and I leave exhausted from retelling the dirty details. It crosses my mind as she is weeding through my history that I am so sick. I have been sick for so long. But I’m still not sick enough.
What weight do you want to be at?
There is no weight that is good enough. I realize I am insane and wanting to be under 100 pounds is both terrifying and ridiculous. I shrug, and we establish that there is no end.
Are you getting dizzy? Have you fainted?
Yes I get dizzy. No I haven’t fainted.
Ok. You need to be careful holding your babies…and driving…and getting up.
I am the worst mother. I immediately feel so guilty and want to cry–but don’t. I am feeling faint the entire appointment and the room appears to be filling with fog or smoke even though it’s not. My eyes can’t focus and I want to ask for water but I’m afraid to tell her I feel dizzy. This is happening at every appointment I go to where talking about my eating disorder is involved. I can feel fine walking in and as the appointment goes on I just can’t focus. It’s like the anxiety I normally feel in my stomach, takes over my head and affects all of my senses. I can’t quite explain it but it’s the worst feeling to feel like you’re losing control over being able to pay attention. I try to focus on something to regain control –I watch her lips move and try to catch what she’s saying. It shouldn’t be this hard to hear what she’s saying. Every time this happens I’m afraid it’s an assault on my intelligence even though that doesn’t quite make sense. You’re so incompetent you can’t even focus at any of your appointments. Congratulations, the only thing you have going for you is losing weight.