I think it would be helpful for you to come twice a week.

What?

Can you come Thursday? 

I don’t think I….yes.

**********

There is constant turmoil. I’m feeling more crazy every day. And despite reaching out for help, the eating disorder voice is getting consistently stronger. I really cannot think of anything else and when I try to overcome it (hey, why don’t you just have half the peanut butter jelly sandwich instead of those two bites?) I panic. SO much panic. I’ve never thrown up this much on so little calories before. I knew this time was bad. I knew in June I would have a hard time getting myself out of this on my own. It is as if the eating disorder voice this time is a raging, relentless, ruthless batshit crazy lunatic. And I have no idea why this time it is so strong but, here I am. I am unable to eat half of a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich.

I keep saying I don’t want to be like this but the eating disorder voice is so strong I’m starting to even question if that’s true.

The goal for this week is to not lose anymore weight. And I can’t figure out what that looks like. If I’m not losing, I’ll probably start gaining and I’m too fat to gain an ounce. 

I realize it’s mostly about numbers and I’m already tracking all the numbers but what if I don’t track them right and end up gaining instead of maintaining? Even writing about it is making me feel sick to my stomach with fear.

All my clothes are swimming on me but I couldn’t wear shorts to my appointment because I thought my thighs were too fat. My “safe” foods are dwindling and my acceptable amount of calories is creeping down. I suddenly have a handful of bruises on my legs and I have no idea where they came from. I know this likely indicates a nutritional deficiency. I know this is headed in a terrible direction but when I challenge it I get overwhelmed with ALL THE NOISE. It’s so LOUD in my head.

I can’t explain why I can’t make sense of even just eating enough to not lose weight. Maybe I don’t have the energy to fight this noise off:

UGH! Your stomach is disgusting. I can’t believe you ate so many calories today. Definitely need to run more tomorrow. You look awful in those shorts. Your thighs are so huge. When you weigh XXX you can wear shorts. But not today. Stop snapping at your babies! When you’re XXX you’ll be happier.  That person just gave you a weird look. Probably because you’re so fat. Check your weight. Not good enough. Check your stomach rolls. Still there, so gross. Check My Fitness Pal. You already ate so many calories. And WAY too many grams of fat. You will never lose weight at this rate. Fucking failure. Probably shouldn’t eat anything tomorrow. 

Sometimes I think a new idea/change needs to sit with me for awhile before I can process it and accept it. I’m hoping that’s what happens. I can see my future eating disorder free. I cannot see my current-in-this-moment self taking a baby step. But maybe tomorrow. Or next week…

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