It’s as if I have a full-blown-out-of-control eating disorder in thought only (mostly). None (almost none) of the actions are present, all of the thoughts are swarming. I’m not trying to act them out, but it’s slowly seeping into my life. I’ve basically lost my appetite. I go to eat but more and more frequently it seems I can’t choose anything. I am watching it happen…from outside myself. Intellectually, I see what is transpiring, and at the same time I convince myself it’s nothing. I’m overreacting. I’m not thin enough. I’m not anything “enough.” This is something I’ve fabricated in my head.
It’s still a secret. I’m swimming in my clothes. But I want to be like this. No I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t.