Yesterday’s post was just a warm-up for this lady who has been absent from writing for practically a year. I have so much more I need to get rid of.
Starting with: THIS SHIT IS HARD. This transition, out of the military, IS FUCKING HARD. I loath deployments. They are one hundred percent terrible. This is the main reason I was happy to leave the Army. But, I was always on the fence of what was best for our family. My husband is really a superb officer. This is not just me being his wife, he was ranked number 1 out of his peers every time. That being said, he has medical stuff that inhibited him from being the best officer he could be (mostly physically) and was deemed non-deployable. They were going to work with him and send him on a track that he would never deploy in. But he just couldn’t picture serving and not deploying. Also, it’s almost impossible for me to ever have a career since we would move every 2-4 years for the rest of his career. BUT, I was willing to give that up if that’s what would make our family work at its best.
What we decided is that he needed to be done. In the long run, he wouldn’t be happy sending his soldiers into war zones and not being there with them. A part of me breathed a huge sigh of relief. He would never, ever, ever deploy again.
Part of me was scared. This is all we have known. I have all but forgotten how to be in the real world. In civilian life. Without a base, a PX, a commissary, my military dependent ID, a community of people who understand what’s going on. I completely dismissed the idea that it would be hard to leave. I didn’t think I was attached to any of those things. After all, I had lived the first 22 years of my life barely knowing any of it existed.
One month removed, and I don’t know where to start. I miss the way things worked. I miss security. I miss…being away from everyone and being forced to figure things out, just the 2 of us.
I feel out of place. I feel like no one will get me. I feel so lost in this transition.
And, I feel gigantic. Like I don’t belong in this body. I’m terrified I’ll run into people I haven’t seen since high school and they will think, what a whale. Because that is what has crept into my mind lately. I’m not worthy of anything. I’m anxious I won’t amount to anything, and it’s starting to become depressing. It’s as if I lived on another planet and have been thrown onto a foreign land that will never understand. I am very, very alone right now.